This article was first published March 15, 2020 by Troy Media at troymedia.com/health/how-to-keep-it-together-during-the-coronavirus-crisis/
I remember writing about personal and leadership resilience during the financial crisis. I guess the good news is, until now, we haven’t had an event so universally significant and impactful to test us. But here we are again. Unlike the financial crisis, where it was (just) about money, this time it will be - at least for some of us - actually life and death. We are very likely at the beginning of something that will get much, much worse. It is time to dust off all those strategies for coping with turmoil. Here are 5 suggestions for working on maintaining resilience through this pandemic.
With crisis always comes opportunity for personal growth. This is a chance for each of us to hone our ability to cope with uncertainty and risk. Because while this too shall pass, there is a pretty good chance something else will pop up to test us again.
This article was first published February 14, 2020 at Troy Media
Questions are one of the most powerful tools we have in our arsenal as leaders, professionals, parents, human beings. One of my favourite personal stories about the power of a question comes from an interview. My final interview for a job I really wanted was with the CEO of the company. After peppering me with questions, he asked if I had any for him. I asked him why he was the CEO. Twenty years later, I can still remember the ‘whiplash’ that unexpected question elicited. Afterward I got feedback that it was a very bold question. I also got the job - either because of, or in spite of - what that encounter said about me.
Questions, unlike opinions or advice, have a unique ability to stop a thought process or redirect a discussion. We have all been in meetings where someone is going on and on about what they think. It is easy to sit back and tune out. But a question immediately demands our attention. The better the question, the more likely we are to perk up, and the more likely the conversation will deepen and our exchange become more meaningful.
What is a good question?
A ‘good question’ has a number of characteristics. It is well-considered. It comes from a place of genuine curiosity. It is ‘on-topic’. It is positioned in a way that allows the discussion to move forward. It requires people to pause and think before answering. It challenges assumptions. It opens up new pathways of thinking.
Coaching is a very popular development strategy for a reason. It is, at its core, all about asking the good question. A really good question is fuel for our reflection, awareness and insight. Most of us like to solve our own problems, and good questions invite us to do that.
When should you use a question?
There are a few key situations where asking a good question or two is more effective than giving advice.
When someone is on the verge of making a breakthrough. When someone you are coaching is close to finding a solution or forming a new insight, it is very tempting to step in and point out the obvious. One of the reasons leaders admit they do more ‘telling’ than ‘coaching’ is because allowing others to work through problems can be painfully slow at times. One of the best ways to help someone make that final leap of insight is by asking a really good question.
When someone is stuck in a rut. Do you know someone who is constantly complaining about the same old thing? When I see that person heading toward me, I can be guilty of looking for an escape hatch. When my friend Perry wanted to talk, for the hundredth time, about how under-appreciated he felt at his company, I decided to change tactics. Perry was stuck in a rut - unhappy but not doing anything about it. Instead of spending 30 minutes listening, nodding and showing empathy, I asked a question instead: “What do you need to do in order to leave this job and move to a place where you will be appreciated?” My question took Perry off-guard because it wasn’t my usual ‘if you hate it so much why don’t you leave?’ question. It was a ‘how’ question, and ‘how’ questions engage our problem solving brains. Instead of complaining, Perry spent the next 30 minutes talking about strategies for leaving, as well as sharing his fears and feelings of inadequacy. Asking a really good question can be the impetus for helping someone get ‘unstuck’.
When someone is coasting. When you see someone who is not living up to their potential, a question is far more effective in inspiring action than a judgment. For example, telling your daughter she could have had an A in math if she had worked a little harder is unlikely to be met with a positive response. Asking her ‘how important is it to you to get an A in math this year?’ is more likely to help her reflect on and tap into her own motivation.
Knowing when and how to ask a good question is an invaluable skill. It will make you a better leader, a better coach, a better parent, a better friend. And asking really good questions is also the best way I know to come across as really smart without having to know all the answers.
A version of this article was first published as my July 2019 monthly column on Troy Media.
I just returned from a 2-week road trip in Newfoundland with my sister, a trip I highly recommend. Being away, really off the grid, gave me time to reflect on all the reasons it is important to take annual leave. That is how vacation used to happen - annual leave where you left the office, packed up the kids and the station wagon and were absent for several weeks at a time. Now we squeeze in a long weekend between due dates and business trips and rack up un-used vacation days. It has gotten so bad, most employers have done away with vacation carry-over. Somewhere along the way, we gave up our right to put down our tools and rest.
I will admit at the outset that I am a vacation-taker. It goes back to my childhood. My dad was a teacher, so come summer we had the opportunity to take off for weeks at a time. I got into the habit. I even remember a shocking time in the mid-00s when I spent 3 weeks touring Australia with my Blackberry locked in the hotel safe in Sydney. While that may be a bit extreme, I do think breaking away from work in a meaningful way, for a significant period of time, is critical to our health and well-being as humans, and as workers. There are at least 7 good reasons to take your annual leave.
We have created a world that is constantly ‘on’ and we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be constantly ‘on’. For the betterment of ourselves, and others, sometimes we just need to give it a rest.
AA version of this article was first published in my monthly column for Troy Media.
This weekend I was admiring a burst of tulips in the back garden. I commented on how striking they were. My husband commented on how they were ill-placed. Irritated by his lack of appreciation for the riot of colour, I grabbed a pair of scissors, snipped them off and announced he would no longer need to be annoyed by their poor placement. At that moment, I completely lost my ability to self-regulate. Self-regulators do not stomp into the garden and clip tulips just because someone suggests they are planted in a poor location.
It is difficult, at this moment in time, to argue that the ability to self-regulate is one of the most important success factors in work and in life. There are examples of leaders around us who are impulsive and imprudent. But I think they stand out because they are the exception rather than the rule. In most instances, the ability to demonstrate consistent and mature control over emotions and impulses will help us succeed.
What is self-regulation and why is it so important?
Self-regulation allows us to set aside our immediate emotional reactions and choose how we want to respond to situations. It directs us to be nice when we could be surly, to restrain ourselves when we could let loose, to pause before we do something stupid. It helps us sit back when we might be tempted to dominate, choose our words carefully when conflict is in the air, and show patience when we are tested. At its essence, self-regulation helps us present our best selves during our potentially worst moments. The ability to be selective in our response can mean the difference between building bridges and burning bridges.
Self-awareness is at the heart of self control.
Without being aware of ourselves, what we are thinking and how we are reacting, it is impossible to choose or change how we respond to people or events. This idea goes back a long way in human history. To quote Plato, “The first and most important victory is over ourselves.” One of the unique features of human consciousness is our ability to observe ourselves in thought and in action. Philosophies like Stoicism and Buddhism incorporate this act of self-observation (and self control) as a key principle and practice. It is also at the core of mindfulness meditation, which has taken western culture and workplaces by storm.
Objectivity helps us over-ride our impulses. Humans have very big brains, but also very sensitive emotional wiring. We develop ‘hot buttons’ - beliefs, associations and attachments to things that bypass our brains and trigger our emotional impulses. ‘Cognitive distancing’ is the process of stepping back and shifting into self-observation. From this neutral place we can observe what we are thinking, how our brain is processing, and reflect on our emotional reactions. When someone says ‘you need to be more objective and not take this so personally’, this is what they are suggesting we do. When we don’t take advantage of our ability to step back, our emotional triggers can ignite and we end up saying or doing something we regret.
We have the power to choose how we respond. Psychotherapist Viktor E. Frankl said it powerfully: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” We have all had the experience of reacting to something without thinking, and then regretting it. Like me, you have probably apologized once or twice for something you said or did in the heat of the action. If we operate from a place of awareness, we are in a position to take advantage of the space between stimulus and response, and choose how we want to react. We have the luxury of considering options, and their implications. We can take thoughtful, positive actions and avoid the career- or relationship-limiting ones.
Self-regulation puts us firmly in the driver’s seat of our own life. It isn’t easy. It takes practice. We aren’t always going to get it right. But we can get better at it.
For those interested in building up self-regulation, there are a number of best-selling resources including Michael Singer’s The Untethered Soul, the works of author and Stoic Ryan Holiday, and Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now. To learn more about mindfulness practices, the website relaxlikeaboss offers a very user-friendly guide.
Are You Listening to the Wrong People? How to Reduce the Chances of Making a Decision You Will Regret
A version of this article was posted in my April column at Troy Media.
Last month my column was inspired by the political maelstrom created by the SNC-Lavalin affair. A month has passed, the storm continues to swirl. I am inspired, once again, to draw on this situation as a leadership learning opportunity. There have been no shortage of ‘what were they thinking?’ moments, causing us to wonder about the quality of the decisions being made.
We all face difficult situations. The question is, how do we do an appropriate level of due diligence before making a high-impact decision? The more complex and nuanced the issue, the less likely there are clear-cut right and wrong answers. We can never guarantee we will always make the ‘right’ decision. We can, however, increase the likelihood of making good decisions through robust due diligence, and then anticipating and preparing for the consequences of our decisions.
There are some typical decision-making traps we can all fall into, and ways to avoid them.
Failing to recognize, early on, the importance, scope, or complexity of an issue. We are all moving quickly and juggling a lot of balls. Sometimes it feels like we are on auto-pilot, moving from one crisis to the next. When we don’t slow down and intentionally engage our brains, we run the risk of overlooking something really important. This is exacerbated when we have a job where everything we are dealing with is big and complex, or when we are confronting something for the first time and don’t have lessons of experience to draw from. Strategies for avoiding this trap include:
Limiting decision-making inputs. While we all agree there is “strength in diversity”, most of us are not very good at actioning it. We tend to fall back on a small group of advisors and confidantes, even when we can anticipate the advice we are likely to get. When the stakes are high, it can be emotionally reassuring to hear familiar perspectives from those we trust. However, we can fool ourselves into believing that hearing different perspectives is the same as hearing diverse perspectives. To maximize diversity of inputs and cast new light on an issue:
Forgetting to plan for the consequences. Too often we focus on making the best possible decision under the circumstances, and then move on. The reality is, every critical decision has consequences we will have to deal with. When we don’t stop to think about what dominos could fall, we are unprepared to respond to them. There are times when how we respond to events is even more significant than the decision itself. In his book Farsighted: How We Make the Decisions That Matter the Most, author Steven Johnson talks about using a pre-mortem before making a critical decision. This is a strategy for imagining and anticipating the full range of potential consequences that could occur so we can plan for them, or even use those insights to reconsider our decision.
Doing a poor job of delegating decision-making. As leaders, we have to delegate responsibility for decision-making to others. Leaders can struggle with which decisions they should be making, and which they should be farming out. Some leaders exercise too much control and want to make every decision, even when they lack important insight or expertise (the micromanagers). Others exercise too little oversight, leaving others to flap in the wind and make critical calls on their behalf (the absentee landlords). Both situations can lead to problems in high-stakes situations. As a leader, it is important you get clear on where you need to be operating.
We are all confronted with difficult and complicated decisions, the consequences of which can have long-lasting impacts. How we approach them can make all the difference.
A version of this article was published in my March column on Troy Media.
There are so many leadership lessons lurking in the events that have plagued the Canadian political landscape over the past few weeks it is hard to know where to start. Leadership lessons that emerge from crises are easy pickings; they are so obvious and it is so easy to be self-righteous. A much tougher question is, what on earth do you do when you are on the other side of the equation - when you have a values clash with your boss?
I have most certainly been in situations where I was expected to do something or go along with something or support something I felt compromised my own values and beliefs. It is a horrible, uncomfortable place to be. I suspect many of us have been in that situation in our professional lives. Typical advice reeks of platitudes: ‘stand up for what you believe in!’. There are times when that is easier - what is being asked of you clearly violates the law, company policy or principles, or ethical codes. But not everything is so black and white. And it is not always so easy. I think that is why we are quick to recognize and applaud someone who has the courage to stand up for what they believe in, regardless of the consequences.
Here is my best advice for approaching, and resolving, this sticky situation.
A version of this article was first published in my monthly column for Troy Media
I Used to Write for Sports Illustrated. Now I Deliver Packages for Amazon is a brilliant article by Austin Murphy in the December 2018 issue of The Atlantic. Mr. Murphy articulates his personal career journey as a result of being in an industry disrupted by technology. What really resonated for me about his story was his transformation from shame to pride. Somehow, he found his way to seeing his new job as rigorous, challenging, fun, and something he strives to excel at. He discovered he can be - and has the right to be - proud of the job he does, whatever that job is.
After reading Mr. Murphy’s article, I found myself paying more attention to people doing their jobs. I noticed Jack, the cashier in Winners, whose attentiveness elicited a spontaneous “you should be in customer service” comment from a customer. He paused and beamed up at her, “thank you. I think customer service is my thing.” He clearly takes pride in what he does, and it shows. I contrast this with the bored, lackadaisical barista at my local coffee shop. While she is voluntarily employed in a service job, she clearly feels no pride in what she does and it also shows.
Is it important to feel pride in what you do?
According to researcher and author of Pride: The Secret of Success, Dr. Jessica Tracy, it is. Pride is a primary, universal human emotion and closely linked to self-esteem. As human beings, we are programmed to feel and express pride. I heard Dr. Tracy speak recently, and her ideas caused me to wonder, do we spend enough time thinking about how to maximize our opportunities to feel pride? We are really focused on being happy. Happy is good. But what about pride? How might we transform ourselves and our experience of life if we felt more pride? Since most of us spend the better part of our days working, it seems to me we ought to think about how we can maximize our opportunities to experience pride in our work.
How to experience more pride at work
One main source of pride is accomplishing or achieving something. For an athlete, winning a gold medal is a moment of pride. For a child, learning to tie one’s own shoes is also a moment of pride. Work provides an endless array of opportunities for achievement, sometimes large and often small. There are a number of ways to increase opportunities to feel pride:
This article is adapted from my HR column on Troy Media at http://troymedia.com/2019/01/14/radical-strategies-work-collaboration/
The ability to collaborate with others is a ‘must have’ skill to be successful in work. It doesn’t matter if you are a project manager, a self-employed editor or the Chief Financial Officer, part of your success is probably going to hinge on how well you can work with colleagues. Our work world is a complex system with lots of inter-related people and parts that need to work together if we are to get things done and deliver on our goals. Working easily and fluidly with others is simply how things get done in the 21st century.
What is collaboration? Collaboration has become a catch-all phrase to encompass a whole range of activities and behaviours that relate to our ability to interact and work with other people. Fundamental to collaboration is the ability to establish and maintain constructive, genuine, healthy relationships. Some questions you might ask yourself to test your collaboration skills include:
Radical ideas for better collaboration. I recently read the book Real Love, Sharon Salzberg’s guide to applying Buddhist philosophy in order to experience greater love and acceptance of oneself, and others. It struck me how applicable many of the key principles are to collaboration in the workplace. To be truly successful at collaborating with others requires more than just switching up a few habits. I believe it requires a different - radically different - mindset.
Serving on a not-for-profit Board can be an energizing and fulfilling experience. You will learn a lot - about yourself, about leadership, about working with others - while giving back to your community and supporting a cause you care about. But Board work isn’t for everyone. Here are 6 questions to ask yourself before you commit.
If you answered ‘yes’ to these questions you are well-prepared for the commitment you are making and the organization is really fortunate to have you. If you didn’t, you might want to pause for the moment.
A version of this article was first published on Troy Media at www.troymedia.com/2016/12/30/improve-life-2017/
I am one of those people who relish the opportunity to reflect on the year and give thought to what I want to be different going forward. I gave up making actual resolutions years ago; like everyone else, my follow through was short-lived and ended in disappointment. But I do like to experiment with new habits and practices that might improve my life. When I find things that work for me, it is amazing how many of them actually stick over time. My ideas for how to improve my life don’t spontaneously pop into my brain. Rather, they trickle in through things I read, conversations I have, podcasts I listen to. In reviewing my 2016 journal and the experiments I’ve tried, below are my top 5 suggestions for how you might improve your life, too.